(Originally written on June 17, 2008)
Thats right, my life. Everything that I have ever dreamed and hoped for, all the plans that I had made for my future, everything that I held so dear. I can only sit by and watch it all fall down around me and become dust at my feet. I kneel down and try to pick it up… try to stick the grains back together with the water that falls from my eyes… yet the crude sand castle I try and create only falls apart.
I never asked for this.
Or did I?
That night… that night at the restaurant. Sitting there with my head bowed and my eyes shut. Praying that prayer that I can still remember, asking You to come into my life and make me new. I had no idea what I was saying… I didn’t truly know what lay ahead. I just knew that there was something more out there and that I wanted the life that I saw in my friends. I wanted the happiness that they had. I wanted the comfort and trust that they seemed to have, knowing that everything was alright and that there was a purpose to this life.
Is this the happiness I asked for?
Because for some reason I feel as miserable as I did back then. Yet it is a different misery. Instead of the constant wonders and doubts that assailed me everyday, constantly asking myself if there was any purpose to this life, if there was even a reason to go on, now I know the truth. And boy did that truth set me free. That truth set me free from a life of wandering in the darkness… to a world alive in You. Your light shining on all things, and showing me that there truly are paths to take. There seem to be about a thousand paths, in every direction, each pulling on me, telling me that this is the way to go, that this life is the one I want to have.
The loudest path is the one that leads to the city. It is a large path, and it is paved with the sorrow and misery of those who have already taken it. It is long and wide, yet somehow seems so suffocating. But far in the end I can see it! The life that my heart dreamed of! Cars of every make and model. A beautiful house with a pool and a view of the ocean, all surrounded by a white picket fence. A beautiful woman and a couple of cute kids and a dog, all waving and motioning me to come to them. Next to the house is the office, where a beautiful secretary stands with a suitcase full of money and several plaques showing my name and the word “CEO” in big bold letters. Blood red letters. My heart jumps at the sight. I want that. I want that life… the success and happiness is all I have ever dreamed of. All I have ever worked for. My entire life up to this point has been training to walk into this life ready to be happy.
I take a step forward… and begin to walk the path. After a few steps I begin to pick up the pace, at first a jog, then a full out sprint. Yet for some reason the harder I push, the further away the end seems to be. Suddenly the picture in the distance begins to change. I watch as barrels of oil and gasoline begin to fall down the path ahead, spilling their contents onto everything in their path. I get pushed aside as men and women run down past me, waving their hands and throwing what appears to be money into the air. They chase the barrels into the distance, toward the office building. Suddenly there is a loud explosion, as if the world around me was imploding, and a cloud of dust billows into the air. The office building has been gutted by what appears to be tanks… and soldiers bearing all different flags and insignias rush into the fray of people chasing after the oil and gasoline. Fires erupt everywhere, sparked by the gas that lines the street… and suddenly the multi-million dollar dream home goes up in flames. As the house begins to burn, the family continues to stare at me, waving and smiling. The fire begins to approach them. NO! I cry, and begin to run towards them, hoping to get them to realize the severity of their situation and get to safety. But I cannot reach them, for as I begin to run, I am held back by a force I cannot explain. I watch as the entire scene burns into a towering inferno, and the streets begin to run red with blood. The American dream realized. A futile chase indeed.
I fall to my knees in anguish, weeping as I realize that I cannot have what I most dearly wanted. It feels as though I have been ripped apart. This is unfair, I cry out to no one. Why can’t I just be happy?
It feels as though there are hands upon my shoulders. I warmth and comfort I cannot explain holds me still, and I am awestruck as the tears are wiped from my eyes. A hand grabs mine, and pulls me up. Then I look behind me. There lies another path. This path is very narrow, and there is nothing at the end except a door. None of the treasures that awaited at the end of the path I was trying to follow. But with that path ending in destruction, I have no choice but to take a chance at this one. The end is not clear, but I walk anyway.
Surprisingly, this path is easier. The door at the end approaches, and as I walk towards it, my hand is drawn to the handle in anticipation as to what may lie behind it. As I begin to turn the handle, terror grips me and I let go, as though the handle was hot to the touch. But a voice whispers in my ear… no, not my ear, my heart. Go ahead… open the door and walk into the life I have set out for you. I open the door, and am taken back by a blinding light. I hesitate. Don’t worry, I’m right behind you. I step forward, walk into the light…
It is now 1:45 AM. Almost four years have passed since I prayed and asked Christ to come into my life. I am still walking through that door. What lies beyond it? A picture cannot explain. Mere words cannot explain. It is a life that I have found in the smiles of those that surround me. The love of a mother and father. The joy that is found when you are in love. Your first kiss. Your favorite food. Times that we laugh and cry. Family reunions and birthday parties. Church camp and high school. Baby showers and funerals.
As I experience life everyday, I find that that which makes me happy is not in the things I own, or the number that appears in my bank statement each month. It isn’t in the names on the clothes in my closet or the celebrities that appear on television. My happiness now comes from knowing my purpose. What is my purpose? I couldn’t tell you, because at this point, I’m honestly not quite sure.
But I can tell you this. Life is in people. We were created to be a community and to be lovers of each other. Go put a sprinkler out in the yard for a bunch of neighborhood kids. Sing in the church choir. Buy lemonade from kids on the street. Trade stories with your grandparents. Buy a candy bars from boy scouts and then give them one or two. Build a house of cards and wreck it. Go buy a cup of coffee and tip the waitress 300 percent. Heck, a thousand percent if you have the money. Climb up on the roof, jump out of trees, jump from the cliff and dive into the water.
Go out and live. Then YOU can tell me what the purpose of all this is.
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