"You speak your thoughts aloud in a stream without much thinking beforehand"

God is one crazy dude.

I mean, in the grand scheme of things, it seems like we often fail to realize how much He is truly involved in our lives in an extremely personal way.

For me lately, God does not reside in writing, in lifestyles, in the classes we take or the countless Christian books we read and collect. My bookshelf is full to the brim of various christian authors and wordsmiths who have the ability to describe God's love in an incredible way. My iPod is full of worship leaders and christian artists who use their music and songwriting to paint a picture of a faith that I want to live out. My fridge in my dorm room is not full of beer. I kissed a girl once and felt incredibly awkward and guilty. I have a half-written journal of thoughts and prayers that have yet to be finished or answered. My time is full of different duties that I take on in hope that one day I will make enough people happy with me that they will love me.

I've begun to realize that I cannot put my finger on the idea of a God. No matter how much I read or listen or pray or go to church, I still feel no closer to figuring Him out. Sure, I feel like I'm a bit closer to understanding how to get what I want in life by spiritual manipulation, but when my head hits the pillow, I'm already preparing my back up plans for the next day's failures.

These things I've encountered in the last year. I watched my family be torn apart by infidelity and lies. I watched a tear fall down the face of the most beautiful girl I've ever met when I let her go. I walked away from a degree that I put half of my college experience in. I said goodbye to a best friend as she left for another school in Texas. I screamed at God while kneeling in the snow as my walls of safety and security fell down around me.

I also reconciled the past with a best friend, and then took a 24 hour trip with him across the country. I took on a job that allows me to talk to 90 different people a night. I acquired a position that allows me to tell the stories of students who want to make a difference with their creative passions. I had the first real conversation with my father that I can remember having in a long time. I rejoiced in Christ as I realized that he had bought a bible and was starting to attend church.

I stood on an elevator today and talked to a kindly old woman who smiled at me when I told her I was visiting my grandma. I looked into her eyes, eyes that were full of the stories that come of a long life of living. Pain, joy, suffering, victory, all things that create an epic story... all contained in that small package. A woman who's life could have affected countless others. A woman who's life may have, in a grandiose sense, may have affected my being alive today.

Every day the sun comes up and goes down. Terrible decisions lead to miraculous events years later. What if the terrible things that happen to us are not so terrible after all? What if when we suffer, we are actually existing just as we are supposed to, so that later on in life something amazing can happen?

What if an abusive husband can lead to a divorce that leads to a marriage that leads to a son being born who marries a woman who bears a son who now sits here and writes these words?

What if we began looking at our failures and mess-ups as divine intervention?

Might shake things up a bit.

Hmmmm...